The guilt and perils of motherhood

A brief summary of what has happened (strangely 2 of my previous post prior to this went missing)

1. She had a fever persistently over 2 days, and we had another scare when the urine dip stick came back positive for bacteria
2. She was on stronger antibotics since she was suspected to have UTI again
3. Fever came down and I thought I could do with a little break - so I went out for dinner with my colleagues and left baby with hubby and helper.
4. Came back at 10pm and her fever was above 39 (highest was 39.7). Worse still, she was vomitting (I heard her gacking).
5. Rang the PD emergency line, but not avail. The operator advised us to bring her in to the A & E.
6. I had a real bad tummy ache just then, so my hubby and helper rushed to A & E, while I did my business. Then hailed a cab and rushed down.
7. I ran through the door and my poor baby was staring at me forlornly from the consultation room. She wanted me! So I carried her while we waited in another consultation room (for fever patients only) we were ushered in.
8. Doc *hmmm* and decided she needs to be warded for observation and tests, since it's not a good sign that she's been running a fever for 3 days.
9. Tears rolled down while waiting for the room. No 1 bedder available! So I asked if we could have a 2 bedder that was unoccupied to convert into a 1 bedder. Managed to get one *phew*
10. After settling in, I went back with my hubby (helper with baby) to get all the stuff - baby's pillow, clothes, toys, food, tioletries, our clothes, tioletries, etc. Basically we had like 5 bags of stuff.
11. Reached the hospital at 2am. Helper was crying because baby was crying - the tubing for the drip was put in while we were away. Had to comfort both.
12. Settled in for the night - I slept with baby in the cot and my helper in the other bed.
13. Baby hated all the medicine, and by morning, as long as the door was opened, she would jumped and stare at whoever came into the room. If it's the nurse or doctor, she would start fussing. She would cry as long as they touched her.
14. It got REALLY bad. She refused to eat her food unless I ate some in front of her - including all her favourite jar food and biscuits!
15. The worst was when they had to inject the antibotics - the timer would be set for 20 minutes, and we had to try distract her - we ended up allowing her to chew on all the tags/ labels on the toys and blankie. It actually worked.
16. 2 night of sleeplessness! On the 2nd night, she was so fussy, I ended up letting her sleep on my chest, while I sat up. Another position had her sleeping on my tummy/ arms so I had to bend my knees to support her. My whole body was aching the next day!
17. Fever finally subsided to 37-ish so we finally could go home.
18. Concluded not UTI, not rota virus *phew*
19. Panicked again when she started having rashes all over her body - face, back. legs, etc.
20. Rang the PD again and they said it means she had a viral fever, which explained the other non-symptoms and the tiny red dots which appears once the fever subsides.

And all this while I am planning to stop breastfeeding - I've cut down to 2 pump sessions each time and the stress (including work stress) now means I am producing barely enough for 2 feeds a day.

How do I feel about trying to stop breastfeeding? Guilty.
How do I feel about enjoying a dinner with my colleagues? Guilty.
How do I feel about being a mother? Lousy.

*sigh*