Being emotional again

I had to drop off my 2 miniature schnauzers at my mum's place last night, as I am preparing to go for my trip. We had yet to do the packing and plus all the last minute errands to run, we decided to drop them off 1 day ahead of schedule so that we won't forget to bring along all their necessities to my mum's place.

 

Then we were preparing to leave, the puppy realised that we were going off without them! The older dog were happily fussing around his favourite people inside the house. So she started whining and as we moved off, she ran alongside the fence. I felt so bad leaving her behind! Yes, I almost cried but still, the number of folks to fuss over them while we were gone is aplenty. I consoled myself that she's just going to miss us for that little while. However, that moment she dashed out of the gate when she saw that we were preparing to leave made me felt like I was abandoning her!

 

I miss being woken up by their whines this morning and no dogs to fuss around when I got up to bathe and do the routine morning stuff. I miss having her sneaking up and snuggle up to my feet when we are fast asleep and I miss having her put her head on my lap and giving me the pitiful look when I order her off the bed.

 

I think motherhood is going to be a tough road ahead!

*ouch* is that the baby?

The baby is somewhere near to my belly button now. Dr Y pointed out yesterday the areas which could be the baby kicking and the areas not. At least now I'm making a much more educated guess when and where is the baby kicking.

 

How does it feel? Er ... I am not sure how to describe it ... little twitches felt from the inside? I've seen how she's moving and kicking away during the scans, but I've not really felt anything then. However, since now I know where's her head positioned and her butts and legs are, I guess I can blame it on her *hehe*

 

It feels ... a little strange but nice *smile* It's a very gentle reminder to me that I should remember to coo and pat my belly once in a while, instead of focusing on the tasks at hand.

The morning has broken and the wait is over!

Today I went for the detailed scan and it's confirmed a girl! So let's all bring out the pink poms poms and I can start planning her first month celebrations decor already!

 

The lady today was very quiet and I almost fell asleep while she was doing the scan. We had to ask what is this and what is that before she explains. Definitely prefer the other lady who was much faster and interactive.

 

After the 1 hour scan was done, we had a quick lunch then we headed for our appointment with Dr Y. Then he announced that they just faxed him the results that very morning (i saw the timestamp - while we were doing the scan) and we are clear! Baby is ok and she weighs currently 300grams.

 

The word is "relief" and I guess I can sleep much better tonight :)

Giving thanks for

So what do I have to give thanks for this Thanksgiving?

1. A hubby who has gradually grown more willing and accomodating to my needs - emotionally and physically

2. Despite all the scares we had, baby is still very actively kicking in me

3. Supportive family, friends and colleagues (for those in the know)

4. A new diamond ring [we got it at 50% discount - which while bigger than my engagment/ proposal ring, is CHEAPER... then again, we didn't spend much on the proposal ring anyway - remember this, diamonds are pretty worthless once you have bought them, they have almost zero investment value, which unless you have a rare and extremely huge one (in hundreds of carat)!]

5. A nice obgyn, who is accomodating to quite a hysterical patient

6. My 2 loving pets who adores me, despite my changing apperance

7. The fallout with GAP.com, which allowed me to buy nicer and cheaper maternity clothes at OldNavy.com (which incidentally fits pretty well and comfortable to wear)

8. Enough money, which well, you look at it, it's never really enough, but I'm glad for a stable income, a roof over my head and a tiny savings account, which is growing very slowly

9. The ability to eat about anything I used to eat without having to purge at the smell of cooking or preparation

10. God

My first thanksgiving feast

Hubby and I decided to indulge in a bit of feasting when we chanced upon the Marriot's Christmas brochure. We were trying to decide between the Thanksgiving and Christmas buffet, but the deciding factor was quite obvious. The Thanksgiving buffet was supposed to offer yummy dishes that I can eat - baby shelled lobster and cajun lamb, versus fresh oyster which I love.

Ah well - such is the little sacrifices I have to make for the little one inside me.

Anyway, ours was the post Thanksgiving buffet, since we went on the Saturday lunch buffet (Thanksgiving was on thursday - every last thursday of November). We did a little shopping and managed to get gifts for 2 male members for the family, achieving a 90% completion rate for the Christmas present buying! Then we strolled over to the hotel lobby, got our seats and waited for the buffet to start. To my lovely surprised, the waitress gave me a cushion for my back! I was so impressed! She came by a few times to check on us, and obviously she's a familiar face to the guest of hotel since she took trouble to greet quite a number of them although she wasn't serving their table. Just because of her service, it made the dining experience a truly wonderful one for me. Her name is Maidusrah I think, I was trying to stare at her name tag, but my eyesight is not as good as it used to be ;P

Anyway back to the buffet - the baby lobster and the cajun lamb was definitely missing *sigh* In it's place is cold prawns and roast beef. I think I ate about 12 to 16 prawns, very happily, since I didn't get any of the usual allergic reactions! I had 1 slice of the roast beef, which they kindly browned it for me (it was very pink) and it was simply delicious. The rest of the food - pretty decent fare, plus the usual great desserts they have. The cauliflower and corn soup (cream of) was a letdown though - bland and tasteless. Overall, a very satisfying lunch, accompanied by the BEST service I had in a LOOOONNNGGG while. Certainly the money paid for the buffet was well spent, since most of the time I hardly think I ate enough or the service gotten was worth the price. Maybe being pregnant isn't all that sucky afterall!

Er, just how much I ate? Enough not to eat dinner, and not to go to bed hungry ;P

Dollar and the peace of mind

I couldn't take it. I called up the clinic again today and bugged them. I said I would had expected the rapid results be given since no one asked us if we wanted it. Since I was going back for a detailed scan, to me know how much I had to top up for the rapid results. I just don't want to wait anymore!

They said they will get back to me, so I'm still *waiting* and *waiting* and *waiting*

*argh*

Hubby's QuoteS of the Day

My hubby never fails to amaze me.

Hubby's Quote 1: Upon learning that the baby is now learning to swallow

"Why is the baby drinking it's own urine??!?"

Hubby's Quote 2: After a thoughtful pause during lunch

"Will the baby doing big business in there too?"

I wonder what will he come up with next when I tell him about the "cheesy" covering the baby now *ponder*

And the wait is on ...

Apparently Dr Y didn't order a rapid results for us... Got my hubby to call them this morning and they said they will remind the medical centre when we go for a detailed scan next week.

If Dr Y only asked for the full report, that will take up to 3 weeks before the results are given.
I'm going to binge on nutella soon - I'm starting to get really stressed over this *argh*

The agony in waiting ... *sigh*

To wish upon a star ...

Can you hear me
all the way up there
when I whisper to you softly
my hopes, my dreams, my wishes?

Can you see me
in your blinding light
when I sit under the dark skies
in solitude, in sadness, in pain?

Can you feel what I feel
in your burning heat
when my heart starts to crack
into pieces, into fragments, into slivers?

One hope, one wish, one dream to grant
One heart, one soul waits
in tears, in solitude, and ...
in vain?

the wait ...

I'm still waiting for the results of the amniocentesis. It's getting on my nerves. On the brochure, it was stated that a rapid test results will be available within 3 to 4 days. It's almost a week (today is the 6th day since the procedure) since and there's no news at all.

In this case, it's not no news is good news. I just want to know and get over with.

Fatigue, Vomitting and Cramps

Geez, I think I am really finally beginning to feel the effects of the amniocentesis. I've been so tired for the past 1 day, that I'm sleeping close to 14 hours a day now. I guess that my body is also feeling the effects of the increased hormones - been puking quite a bit, something that I hadn't been doing for almost close to 1 month! The lower abdomen is still very tight, so movements, stretching is quite a pain literally, and trying to find a position to sleep comfortably can be quite frustrating.

We did go to Ikea yesterday, we went early at 10 plus and wow, it's simply great because all the crowds probably moved to the Tampines Ikea (well kinda bad for the one at Alexandra then). We didn't have to queue to get into the carpark, didn't have to circle to find a lot, and we could stroll into the cafe, get our food and then pick almost any seats we wanted. By the time we were finally done with our brunch, the crowds were coming into the cafe - based on "excuse me is the table taken?" and the snaking queue to get the food.

We went downstairs and got some Christmas wrapping paper, bags and some other knick knacks - forgot to get some christmas ornaments I was eyeing though =( All in all, it was really very exhausting for me. I did remember the nurse telling me no shopping for the 3 days, but it's the 4th day and I did rest quite a bit in bed already! By the time we reach home, I was walking mini steps S-L-O-W-L-Y. And I almost had to crawl to bed, I was that tired! So now I know why 3 days of MC plus the weekend to recover - one lesson learnt!

Now, I just want to get over the vomitting part, still a few more days before I complete the course of medication *sigh*

New news about amniocentesis

Baby: Week 18

I was reading off the MSNBC website about this model who died from some infection due to aneroxia (*gasp* she weighed only 40kg at 1.72m) when this article headline caught my attention: "Amniocentesis doesn't raise miscarriage rate"

The full article is available at: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15755732/

Does it make me feel better? Slightly, at least not so pessimistic. Not to say I'm recovering fast and well - a sneeze and a cough brought on excruciating pain in my abdomen. It's like having really very tight muscles and then force to stretch it suddenly. All I was doing was doing deep breathing in the corpse position to try to fall asleep. Hmmm, the only good thing was, I didn't wet the bed ;P

Hubby's Quote of the Day

When told that the fluid drawn is the "baby's urine" (the amniotic fluid), he turned and asked me,"why is the baby swimming in urine?"

the ZzZZz monster ...

is not around. Yup, I actually am having difficulty trying to sleep.

I can't sleep on my left side, my hips hurt. I tried switching to the other side, no luck, both sides ache too. Sleep on my back? *sigh* same old thing.

Hubby is happily snoring away - despite him proclaiming he's not sleepy when I shooed him to bed past midnight, he begun his deep breathing ritual shortly hitting the pillow. Yes, his snorts and restless limbs syndrome kicked in shortly too.

So what am I doing? other than indulging the doggies a little more time out of their sleeping area (they are banished to sleep in the kitchen till we sort out the ticks problem - just applied Frontline Top Spot on them this evening), I am wondering what to do. Should I play warcraft (or will the violence upset the baby?) or should I play some online games (b-o-r-i-n-g) or, or, I don't know - a glass of pepsi (just had the urge) with a sprinkling of salt soothe my thrist a little but I'm craving for even more iced water. How am I going to rid of my cough!

Oh well, I guess I should just practise my deep breathing techniques in the corpse position - that might help. Afterall, I did fall asleep during the yoga class doing that ;P

Taking things slowly and guessing baby's gender

Must remember this piece of advice ... the nurses cautioned me to walk slowly, no shopping, no housework that involves heavy stuff ... so walking is a pain, not because it's painful, but I have to remember to do it S-L-O-W-L-Y ...

I feel slightly better today, enough to venture downstairs for some morning breeze, but there's this constant nagging "pinching" sensation at my side to remind me to take it easy.

Oh ya, anyway remember the 75% girl thingy? I was already commenting to my husband previously, based on the shape of my belly, it's quite likely to be a girl. The women at my mum's household, on hearing that everything taste sweet to me (including savoury food) said it's very likely to be a girl. My sister claims my nose was growing bigger, so it could be a girl! *sigh* Seems like all the "mythical" ways of knowing whether it is a boy or a girl are all pretty accurate in my case. Yes, I also looked at the "ancient" calendar of predicting gender based on the mother's age and the month of conception, and it says "GIRL" too. So once the test results are out, I guess they can all use me as a poster girl as "See! I told you so!" *sigh*

The surge of the raving hormones - maybe?

I'm sure you all have read somewhere or had pregnant girlfriends telling you, how hormones make them an emotional wreck at times.

I even remembered this incident about this girlfriend, who intead of arguing, cried after her hubby chided her during a mahjong game (which apparently he does it often enough).

Me? I'm not sure ... I was crying in the car today, while listening to a song. It's not like I never heard it before, it's not like I never listen to the lyrics before (lyrics are important part of what makes a good song) but as I listened to the song, my nose just got stuffed up and tears started rolling down my face. Maybe, it had to do with I had to go through today so I shouldn't blame it on the hormones.

What song was it? Well, I'm sure you have heard of this before too:

Artist: Collin Raye
Song: If You Get There Before I Do

Lyrics

I read a note my grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat and he showed it once to me
He said boy you might not understand
But a long, long time ago
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none But I love your grandma so

We had this crazy plan to meet
And run away together
Get married in the first town we came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter And this is what it said

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you, love me

I read those words just hours before my grandma past away
In the door way of a church
Where me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know I'd never seen him cry in all my 15 years
But as he said these words to her
His eyes filled up with tears

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you, love me
Between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you, love me

Just a pin prick

It's true - that's how I would describe the pain of doing the amniocentesis test.

So, ya, I survived it, and according to the conversations Dr Y and the nurses were having (my eyes were closely shut and hands tightly clenched under my chin), apparently the baby is very kaypoh ... the 75% she actually reached out for the needle with her hands! Ya 75% because the baby kept curling up in a ball and refused to open the legs ...

I won't say it was totally painless - when the fluid was being drawn out, I could feel some discomfort like minor cramping ... after the whole ordeal was over, while I was resting at the waiting area, I could feel some contractions and minor pings of pain here and here.

So now, the real ordeal is 1) waiting for the results to be out 2) finding out if any complications arising from this procedure

So ... we can hope for the best, and leave God the rest.

What if ...

What if
The sky decide to rain on our hopes
There’s no turning back

What if
The world turns its back on us
There’s no going forth

What if
You take away my dreams
There’s no hoping for us anymore

What if
You leave us behind to mourn
There’s no stopping our tears

What if
You leave only a sliver of memories
There’s nothing left for us to grasp

Only darkness and fear
only coldness and silence

What if
only us
without you

Butterflies in the Tummy

No ... unfortunately it's not the flutters of feeling the first few movements the baby is making ... rather that's how worried and scared I am for tomorrow's procedure ...

I have almost zero tolerance for pain and the idea of a needle poking through my flash, fats and into the uterus is scaring the hell outta me. Reading those medical websites didn't really help - they did say most women report discomfort and pinching rather than pain, but the list of complications
1) infection
2) if the clincian didn't manage to draw enough fluid the first round, they have to do it again!!!!
3) if blood got into the fluid, the results may be compromised - I think it just simply meant that they have to try drawing the fluid 1 more time!
4) the risk of miscarriage
is more than enough to fill my mind with lots of "what ifs"

I also read somewhere some women say it's was a terrible and horrible and painful experience (some nasty person commented if they can't even bear with this pain, what about labour - to that nasty person "SOD YOU!")

I can't seek any comfort in all this knowledge - it's just driving me nuts.

I can only seek solace that
1) my friends and siblings will be praying for me and my baby
2) I get to send my hubby to the dentist next week as a form of revenge - since I can't possibly stick a needle into his stomach
3) God is my comforter and giver of peace

A bolt from the blue skies

Baby: Week 17

Sometimes, when everything seems to be going fine, God likes to remind us that we are still humans. His way of a gentle reminder? By sending a bolt right across the blue skies.

No, I'm not resentful towards God. Just that sometimes, when things go well, I tend to push God towards the least of priorities. I should count my blessings, despite all the scares I had, my baby is still firmly sucking nutrients off the placenta via me. I know of my friends who weren't so lucky with their first or even second pregnancy. So what I was throwing up almost non-stop on days and I couldn't take in any food nor fluids? Compared to those who had to be hospitalised and to be put on the drip, mine is considered a mild case.

So what was this reminder about? I did a blood test last week and since there was no calls from the clinic, I assumed all was well. Until, two nights I saw I had 2 missed called from the clinic. Strange, I thought to myself, did they want to change my appointment or something? I was uneasy enough not to be able to sleep till 4am that night. Next morning, I called the clinic as soon as it was opened. Well, I was unlucky that I got their worst receptionist - she's just an auntie working part time to earn a living so her personal skills are absolutely the worst. The message I got from her was that the test results came back, it was positive for Down Syndrome but negative for the rest. Great way to put it I guess, short and straight to the point. In a way, I am glad that I was on medical leave that day, so my office didn't had to witness me breaking down.

I cried for the next few hours - my sister called me from USA, my best friend called me and they both said will pray for me. I couldn't get my hubby since it was 3 am his time, and despite his claims for being a light sleeper, he snores his way through the loudest claps of thunder. Then finally my elder sister texted me a message and said, it's ok, it's normal. She reminded me that it was positive in her case too, but her kids turned out just fine (I swore that the younger one makes up senseless tuneless sounds to hum to irritate me!).

I collected myself enough to call the clinic to ask for more details so they took down my questions to pass to Dr Y. He called later, during his lunch time, so I asked him, what was the percentage like. Mine was 1 in 94. Was there any other alternative than doing the amniocentesis test? No, because this test is the most accurate. What is the risk of miscarriage for doing this test? It's 0.3% to 0.4%. Was it very painful? The pain was in pushing the needle through my flesh to get to the amnio fluid in the uterus and I need to keep still for 1 to 2 minutes. He was kind enough to tell me that to think about it, and to let them know again if I wanted to go ahead with the test.

That afternoon, I finally managed to get my hubby and I told him about it. I did compare with my elder sis, her was 1 in 40 (more than double the chances compares to mine) and we mulled over it for a little while. He thinks we should go ahead (of course, I bear all the pain!) to make sure.

I had to see my GP later for my illness - was nursing a throbbing headache earlier so I didn't go earlier since I was driving myself. After the small talk about my flu was over, I asked him about the amniocentesis test and the positive marker. He said he couldn't remember the odds but he reminded me the most important question to address here is that, if the baby has really down syndrome, what would we do? If we do not mind, then we do not need to do the test. However, if we do mind, then we need to do the test to have the peace of mind. He also said that although the test did carry the risk of miscarriages, but it is very minimal.

I went over to visit this client of mine who is stationed nearby, she's 7 to 8 months pregnant and it's her second pregnancy. I am actually glad she spotted me while I was making my way to the GP. Although I wasn't really in the mood to socialising, but I tend to gravitate towards pregnant ladies at this point, because they can feel what I feel right now. I told her about the test results and she said another colleague of hers was also in the same situation. She did go ahead with the amniocentesis test and it turned out alright. That colleague of hers (whom I actually know as well since I used to service this particular chain of outlets) was going to give birth in February!. Wow! Is the government sure we are really short on babies? Then a customer came in so I waved byebye and left. She was so sweet, she called me later and told me not to worry, and to take care.

Last but not least, my gf in oz, tried calling me but we ended up chatting on MSN. I am thankful that I had my siblings and friends, even my GP and my ex-client to comfort me.

In ways unknown to us, God works to remind us we are not alone in our troubles too, despite a gentle reminder that just how vulnerable we all are.